"Hello?
Oh hello War! (Honey! It's the Wars!) Haven't seen you for a while... Been busy have you? 
Hmm... 
Expect you've been a bit occupied with some enemy task force or other?... 
Still, if you have time to parachute into friendly fire territory, you know you're always welcome...
Oh yes! Of course it would be nice to see you... 

We're a bit busy at the moment trying to tend to all this "collateral damage", oh, what a mess! 
But, some nice men from the petroleum companies dropped their leaflets through the letterbox the other day... Mmmm 
So we thought we'd give them a try, you know? See what kind of quotes we get?...They seem so keen!
     
Maybe we could meet up for brunch next week? I've got some satellite pictures back from the photo shop that I thought you might like to see?... Yes they are a bit grainy, but I think that adds a certain "je ne sais quoi?", don' t you?
Hmmm?
You can't make next week? Got other plans? Shame... No, it would be nice to have a chat... By the way, I thought you should know:  Mr. and Mrs. Refugee from next door? Well they moved out... 
Yes...
No, we don't know where they've gone... 
Ever since we refused to have them over, they've seemed a little... distant, you know?

It all went a bit pear-shaped since they came here because we bombed their country,  you know? 
After years of supporting their oppressive regime... 
Well, you can't tell with some people...
No, I can't understand it either... still I wish them all the best - as long as its not in our back yard... 
Things have been a bit difficult since we found their boy's football in our garden, and mistook it for a biological warfare factory - oh dear, the kafuffle!

Yes, it is an easy mistake to make... 
I mean,  we all want a level playing field - I kept telling them - and if that means dropping weapons of mass destruction in order to stop them developing weapons of mass destruction, well... 
what can one do?...

Oh yes, the Rumsfeld's...mmmhmmm Donald! 
How is he? 
You know he came round for tea with the German foreign minister the other day?... 
Well, I think something got lost in translation... 
Oh no, the German's english is very good - after all we won that one didn't we? 
No it was Donald who seemed a bit confused... Awww, blessÖ
     
The anthrax? Yes. Colin left it here by mistake, so we asked Donald if he'd be seeing him soon... 
You know, they seem to be getting on so much better now that they've agreed to use "overwhelming force... " 
Oh those two! They are a pair aren't they? 
     
By the way, Condoleze told me: "Dubya" is thinking of buying Tony's place? 
Yes... The Blair's and Brown's are selling up... Sad isnt it? 
I think Tony just wants to be shot of the whole country and move on as soon as he can... 
Well, you know he was caught cheating on his exam paper?... 
Yes, that dossier from last September - Colin was so nice about it at the U.N. too - but Tony had been cribbing notes from graduate student in California...  
Yes it is a bit harsh after all Maggie got away with it for years, and Ronald didn't seem to mind...  I always thought those two were perfect for each other... 
     
So! Are you holidaying in the Gulf again this year? Oh that's wonderful! 
I hope you get to see Baghdad this time...
Mmmm, now be sure to drop in on the Hussein family...you know I've always thought you two have a lot in common...

Ok. Ciao!"
 

9/2/03